I really liked that you provided an elaborate explanation of the “powerful spirits.” I feel like your introduction really sets the tone of what’s to come in your storybook, and your readers are not left wondering. I’m excited to read your storybook because your introduction and explanations in your introduction grabbed my attention. A question I have for you is what you mean by “treasure” in your second paragraph. Perhaps, providing an example of the treasures will help clarify that. I feel like the layout of your introduction could be more interesting with a little bit more color to go with the excellent introduction. This is just a suggestion, but great work on the introduction, overall! It did the job, and I think you will bring some great writing to this storybook! I look forward to see what your creativity brings, and I hope the explanations continue in your stories, as well. Good luck, and great work!
Hello Greg, I am excited to read your stories more and more. I think that they are going to be great. I like that you are going to do a story about a tragedy, I think that it is going to be a great tale that you will produce. Your intro really grabbed my attention and especially when you talked about the twelve heavenly generals. I hope that your write a bunch on that and that you can create a great story about it. My question about the heavenly generals is are they all generals at the same time, or do like, the Dali Lama's, they come one after the other reincarnated into a new person? I think this is going to be a great story and I am excited to see what happens in your story.
Hi Greg! Your site looks awesome! I really like how your intro is laid out and that you gave a good background introduction into what your Storybook is going to be about. I also find the Yakshas and Yakshinis very interesting and I’m sure this is going to be a great way to further expand your knowledge, as well as teach others more about them. I like the concept of where there is good, there also must be bad. One cannot exist without the other. It may be fun to even incorporate the idea of having someone be aware of this cost and analyze the decision making process of someone who knows exactly what the opportunity cost is going to be. At what point would someone be willing to turn away an immediate benefit/solution for a greater impending doom. Illustrating these stories could also be so fun and a great way to have readers connected as well. I look forward to seeing your website expand!!
Hi Greg, I like the way your page is laid out. The picture has a very commanding feel to it that fits the Yaksha. I see that it is tough to be any of these groups of serpent people. Tragedy after tragedy. I wonder why that is? Perhaps you could elaborate on the reason its so hard? I wonder what it would be like if the roles were reversed? Maybe the Nagas are the good guys in some alternative universe. Perhaps they are the victim of an evil conspiracy perpetrated by the evil god Vishnu to try to send Rama to interfere in the business of the Naga protectors of humanity but a great deception was perpetrated on us by Vishnu in order to stop humans from attaining enlighten? Do you ever feel like the Naga have been getting a bum wrap? I always like to cheer for the under dog.
Your intro is really interesting for your storybook. I bet your stories will be interesting as well. How did you come across the Yakshas? You could easily explain a little bit about yourself in your intro as well as where you learned about them if you wanted to lengthen it. I was also left wondering why you chose to highlight tragic stories in your storybook? It is a really interesting idea but I think that it would make more sense if you explained who Yakshas are a little bit more, why they intrigue you, and why you chose the tragic side. There seems to be a lot you can do with this topic and it looks like you have already got some of your stories planned out which is great! I like that you put that information in your intro because then we know what to expect just from reading the intro! Great work!
Hey Greg! The idea of creating a storybook based on the Yakshas is really interesting! However, I think that there could be some more explanation into the history of the Yakshas and what their purpose is. In talking about these details, you could delve into a little bit about your own interest of creating a storybook about the Yakshas. I think that it would also be interesting to talk about why you wanted to write about the tragic stories. Incorporating those elements would help to make the story stronger. I liked how you laid out a few different stories about Yakshas and discussed them to an extent. In this section, I think it would be interesting to see how you plan on incorporating your stories with the original stories. Overall, I think you did a great job on your introduction and I am excited to read the stories!
Hey, Greg! I like the direction you are heading with your storybook! I I feel like you provide a lot of statements that lead to where the stories in your storybook might lead, are these the 3 you are set on or is there room for new ideas and more stories? I also loved the picture you added. I like how it is large and takes up a lot of space. It demands the attention of the reader which I feel is a great strategy.! I thought that was really awesome! I wonder what you will do for the pain and suffering within the stories. Will there be any happy stories? I come from a place of not understanding why there only seems to be bad news and somber vibes. Maybe it could help to provide a little history about the Yakshas and Yakshinis. Also, what if you elaborate on the summaries as small intros to the stories. You could possibly even write them from the perspective of the Yakshas and Yakshinis explaining their attitudes!
Your introduction laid out a really nice map for where your Storybook will go. It provides the stories that you will explore and the concepts that you will follow along the way! I noticed that in the introduction you explain the stories in the order of Yaksha Kubera, Yaksha Thotsakhirithon, Twelve Heavenly Generals, and Dharanendra but then the first story that you tell is Dharanendra. This is very particular, but to keep the fluidity between the introduction and the stories, you may want to rearrange the order in which you list the stories you will write in the introduction to match the order of the actual stories. Your first story is very interesting and put together very nicely. The idea of continuing the story is really neat! There is a lot of detail which is nice for the reader to fully understand where the author is coming from. I look forward to reading more of your stories!
I enjoyed the way that you changed the attitudes of the characters. I think extending the story was a good idea and the way it was tweaked makes it more interesting. Since, this is the first story you posted, will you be updating your paragraph arrangement in the introduction or move the pages on your site as needed when you add more stories? Dharanendra’s story is not mentioned until the end of your introduction so I just wanted to bring that up for you. Although I dislike suggesting edits to the layout of one’s site or story, Laura had said that at times we could place the author’s note first. With the story of Dharanendra it might be helpful to place your author’s note at the beginning instead of the end since it is not too revealing and gives a glimpse of what you are creating on this page. Also, I noticed in the author’s note that you intended to write “story” but the keyboard got the best of you and instead it was typed out as “sorry.” I look forward to reading more this semester!
Greg, I am doing extra blog comments which go on each other’s walls, but this is in regards to the beginning of the semester. Hermione is actually the name of my daughter’s snake. I am not daring enough to be that unique. When I chose names for my children, I always thought of the possible nick names they would be given(both good and bad). The funniest thing though is that neither child has ended up choosing a nick name or been “given” one, so to speak. Maybe that means I chose well.
Greg, Let me start off by saying that I think that this is a fantastic story to adapt for the storybook you have begun writing. I think that the story of Dharanedra and his wife is a really interesting one, fraught with potential for a storybook centered around disaster. The way that you adapted the source material to fit your theme was clever and rather insightful, given how people sometimes abuse privileges or gifts others give them. One suggestion I would make, however, is that you go through the story again to check for some key grammar rules. For instance, there are certain areas in the story where the verb tense changes from sentence to sentence. One other suggestion I would make is that you try to vary your sentence structure and descriptions some as it will help the piece flow more smoothly. This would involve adding a few different types of dependent clauses or some other such varying technique in order to give your writing some more variety. In any event, this was a fun story to read, and I very much enjoyed it. Thank you.
Greg, your introductions a very good map/directory for where you plan on taking your project. Its good to have a firm foundation and direction when starting something this big. As for the stories, at times I had trouble discerning between whether it was a summary of actual events, or a story you created. That is a good thing! I couldn't tell if this came from your head or if you were a writer for the history channel. I was refreshed to read these and have to contemplate whether this was history or story, so in that aspect you did awesome. The pictures you chose also helped immensely with that blurred line, which, again, I think is a breath of fresh air for stories. 'Historical Fiction' isn't something I read regularly, but in this manner I enjoyed it a lot.
First of all, I have to say that I was really excited to read the next addition to your storybook. I remember reading your introduction a couple weeks and thoroughly enjoyed it and this story is equally as great.
After reading the author's note, it was interesting to see your perspective when writing this story. I agree that making a large change to a story makes it very strong and I think that you did a good job of that in this story. One thing that I think would be interesting to see is more integration of dialogue. You do a great job of setting up the stage of the story and describing details but it would be interesting to see more of the characters converse with one another. However, overall, I think you did a great job at writing this story and I'm excited to read the next addition to your storybook!
I enjoyed what I read of your story. The introduction was very well thought out and included lots of details so I felt ready to know what to expect on the future parts of the story. I also was pretty impressed on how well you were able to explain the history of beliefs and how snakes are seen differently in this circumstance/belief system than they would be in many other situations. Especially because Christian viewed snakes as bad and not good. I think your story has lots of promise to turn out to be very good. I would suggest adding some more imagery to your story so your readers can see what is unfolding and not just read what is unfolding. I also think it might be cool to make the story more of your own in a sense. Allow your story to have some more creativity and imagination and allow the story to be more personalized. Other than that I enjoyed reading what you have written.
Hi Greg! I think your story about the Dharanendra was very well written. I do feel there could have been a bit more background information within the story. You could a mini flashback if you wanted. You could even add in a nightmare, or a dream Dharanendra has. My favorite part was how I could easily picture your story-taking place. I think a part of that was due to the dialogue. I think you did a great job writing this particular story. I was left wondering what happened after the prince became a monk. I wanted a little bit more insight on that area of your story. You could add in a mini paragraph explaining life as a monk for him. Other than that, I think your storybook is well portrayed, and easy to follow. Your introduction goes hand in hand with the story, and sets the stage for everything to come.
You did a great job summarizing each of your stories. I really like how you picked such a unique topic to develop your story around. I think it's great that you decided to utilize dialogue in your storybook. I've noticed a few storybooks that were strictly narration. One thing that I would suggest for your first story would be to re-visit the introduction. I think that if the story possibly opened up with dialogue and then provided narration that it would keep the reader anxious to learn more. You did a great job explaining how the birth of Dharanendra and Padmavati came about; however, I think that the order could be slightly rearranged. Furthermore, in the second story, I noticed that you did without the dialogue. I think the dialogue would have made the story even more effective with your personification of sickness. Even the personification of "sickness" shows what a clever writer you are. Keep up the good work.
You have by far one of the most unique topics! I liked that in your stories you show the good the Yakshas and Yakshinis to do, but also the potential bad. To, me that is what gives a story life, is when the characters aren't just good they have elements of bad. I really liked that you used dialogue throughout your story! It really helped it flow. One thing that I think could make the layout of your story flow better is switching around where you put the picture. Putting the picture at the top could make the page more appealing and would help set the story! In your story about the Twelve Heavenly Generals I think it would be cool if you gave more description or dialogue in the story about who they are. I know you introduce them in the intro, but this way if someone skips the introduction then they will still be caught up! Overall really great work! I am looking forward to coming back and reading more about the Yakshas and Yakshinis!
The idea is intriguing: supernatural saviors who cannot save all the time, even in spite of how mighty they are or because of it? Lovely.
Background on these creatures is important, which you have taken care to incorporate into your intro to prepare the reader for what kind of story each Yaksha/Yakshini will play.
For what we get for Kubera and Dharanendra, Thotsakhirithon and the Twelve Generals do not get such a preface. Some foreshadowing on their conflict and maybe a little more specificity on Dharanendra's origin will make the set-up more compelling.
Something of a denouement to the introduction to tie everything together and lead us into the actual stories could also help with compelling set-up.
Overall, the creatures and stories about them you want to tell are fascinating. The story teasers themselves could use a little more fleshing out.
Nice work here.
DHARANENDRA:
It's a humorous picture to have a all-powerful being at the beck and call of a person who always chooses to get into trouble.
If I might be frank, if this storybook focuses on tragedy, then I recommend focusing on tragedy since the ending of this story ended up being a happy ending. Changing the ending might help for this story. The extent of how far you're willing to go, such as killing off Parshvantha, is entirely your call.
Paragraph 1, Sentence 5 is redundant since we already we establish the saving earlier. Maybe move Parshvanatha's name up?
Paragraph 6: "my wife and I, and I" Repetitive.
In fact, there's a lot of repetition of the characters' names when there really doesn't need to be. A good rule of thumb is to refer to a character by name when the subject focused on is unclear.
Overall, the initial plot has a nice idea and is consistent, but some reexamination of the writing and the ending will make this a tragedy to remember.
Hi Greg, I really enjoyed your storybook. I think it’s cool that you choose to focus in on the less happy or successful activities of the divines. It’s intriguing to me that the holy beings in Hindu culture are as subject to things we would consider human failings as the people are. Perhaps that’s why stories of the interactions in which gods and goddesses make mistakes or behave in ways that end with their punishment or shame are so engaging. It was really interesting to me that the tragic stories you found did not really involve death or severe suffering as much as they did shame and the learning of difficult lessons for proud people who tried to do things that were more than they could handle. I really loved reading your retellings of the stories ad hope that you continue to work on and improve your writing skills. Thank you!
Greg, good choice on the title of your storybook! It really intrigued me! I enjoyed how you set up your intro page giving background info and reviewing the upcoming stories. I like this approach because I sometimes find myself pretty confused while reading storybooks, so I rely on the author’s notes to clear up my questions.
I love the twist of the story of Dharanendra! I don’t feel like it usually ends so well with the bad person actually learning from their mistakes and changing into better people. I was really shocked when Dharanendra didn’t kill himself after he saw what happened to the prince when he wasn’t watching him, but I’m glad he didn’t!
That’s something I didn’t see coming, a war on Sickness! His true form was pretty shocking too! It would be cool if you could get a picture of Sickness to put in the story! Wow what a lesson in your last story! Absolutely loved it. Great job!
Hi Greg!
ReplyDeleteI really liked that you provided an elaborate explanation of the “powerful spirits.” I feel like your introduction really sets the tone of what’s to come in your storybook, and your readers are not left wondering. I’m excited to read your storybook because your introduction and explanations in your introduction grabbed my attention. A question I have for you is what you mean by “treasure” in your second paragraph. Perhaps, providing an example of the treasures will help clarify that. I feel like the layout of your introduction could be more interesting with a little bit more color to go with the excellent introduction. This is just a suggestion, but great work on the introduction, overall! It did the job, and I think you will bring some great writing to this storybook! I look forward to see what your creativity brings, and I hope the explanations continue in your stories, as well. Good luck, and great work!
Hello Greg,
ReplyDeleteI am excited to read your stories more and more. I think that they are going to be great. I like that you are going to do a story about a tragedy, I think that it is going to be a great tale that you will produce. Your intro really grabbed my attention and especially when you talked about the twelve heavenly generals. I hope that your write a bunch on that and that you can create a great story about it. My question about the heavenly generals is are they all generals at the same time, or do like, the Dali Lama's, they come one after the other reincarnated into a new person? I think this is going to be a great story and I am excited to see what happens in your story.
Hi Greg! Your site looks awesome! I really like how your intro is laid out and that you gave a good background introduction into what your Storybook is going to be about. I also find the Yakshas and Yakshinis very interesting and I’m sure this is going to be a great way to further expand your knowledge, as well as teach others more about them. I like the concept of where there is good, there also must be bad. One cannot exist without the other. It may be fun to even incorporate the idea of having someone be aware of this cost and analyze the decision making process of someone who knows exactly what the opportunity cost is going to be. At what point would someone be willing to turn away an immediate benefit/solution for a greater impending doom. Illustrating these stories could also be so fun and a great way to have readers connected as well. I look forward to seeing your website expand!!
ReplyDeleteHi Greg, I like the way your page is laid out. The picture has a very commanding feel to it that fits the Yaksha. I see that it is tough to be any of these groups of serpent people. Tragedy after tragedy. I wonder why that is? Perhaps you could elaborate on the reason its so hard? I wonder what it would be like if the roles were reversed? Maybe the Nagas are the good guys in some alternative universe. Perhaps they are the victim of an evil conspiracy perpetrated by the evil god Vishnu to try to send Rama to interfere in the business of the Naga protectors of humanity but a great deception was perpetrated on us by Vishnu in order to stop humans from attaining enlighten? Do you ever feel like the Naga have been getting a bum wrap? I always like to cheer for the under dog.
ReplyDeleteYour intro is really interesting for your storybook. I bet your stories will be interesting as well. How did you come across the Yakshas? You could easily explain a little bit about yourself in your intro as well as where you learned about them if you wanted to lengthen it. I was also left wondering why you chose to highlight tragic stories in your storybook? It is a really interesting idea but I think that it would make more sense if you explained who Yakshas are a little bit more, why they intrigue you, and why you chose the tragic side. There seems to be a lot you can do with this topic and it looks like you have already got some of your stories planned out which is great! I like that you put that information in your intro because then we know what to expect just from reading the intro! Great work!
ReplyDeleteHey Greg! The idea of creating a storybook based on the Yakshas is really interesting! However, I think that there could be some more explanation into the history of the Yakshas and what their purpose is. In talking about these details, you could delve into a little bit about your own interest of creating a storybook about the Yakshas. I think that it would also be interesting to talk about why you wanted to write about the tragic stories. Incorporating those elements would help to make the story stronger. I liked how you laid out a few different stories about Yakshas and discussed them to an extent. In this section, I think it would be interesting to see how you plan on incorporating your stories with the original stories. Overall, I think you did a great job on your introduction and I am excited to read the stories!
ReplyDeleteHey, Greg! I like the direction you are heading with your storybook! I I feel like you provide a lot of statements that lead to where the stories in your storybook might lead, are these the 3 you are set on or is there room for new ideas and more stories? I also loved the picture you added. I like how it is large and takes up a lot of space. It demands the attention of the reader which I feel is a great strategy.! I thought that was really awesome! I wonder what you will do for the pain and suffering within the stories. Will there be any happy stories? I come from a place of not understanding why there only seems to be bad news and somber vibes. Maybe it could help to provide a little history about the Yakshas and Yakshinis. Also, what if you elaborate on the summaries as small intros to the stories. You could possibly even write them from the perspective of the Yakshas and Yakshinis explaining their attitudes!
ReplyDeleteYour introduction laid out a really nice map for where your Storybook will go. It provides the stories that you will explore and the concepts that you will follow along the way! I noticed that in the introduction you explain the stories in the order of Yaksha Kubera, Yaksha Thotsakhirithon, Twelve Heavenly Generals, and Dharanendra but then the first story that you tell is Dharanendra. This is very particular, but to keep the fluidity between the introduction and the stories, you may want to rearrange the order in which you list the stories you will write in the introduction to match the order of the actual stories.
ReplyDeleteYour first story is very interesting and put together very nicely. The idea of continuing the story is really neat! There is a lot of detail which is nice for the reader to fully understand where the author is coming from. I look forward to reading more of your stories!
I enjoyed the way that you changed the attitudes of the characters. I think extending the story was a good idea and the way it was tweaked makes it more interesting. Since, this is the first story you posted, will you be updating your paragraph arrangement in the introduction or move the pages on your site as needed when you add more stories? Dharanendra’s story is not mentioned until the end of your introduction so I just wanted to bring that up for you. Although I dislike suggesting edits to the layout of one’s site or story, Laura had said that at times we could place the author’s note first. With the story of Dharanendra it might be helpful to place your author’s note at the beginning instead of the end since it is not too revealing and gives a glimpse of what you are creating on this page. Also, I noticed in the author’s note that you intended to write “story” but the keyboard got the best of you and instead it was typed out as “sorry.” I look forward to reading more this semester!
ReplyDeleteGreg,
ReplyDeleteI am doing extra blog comments which go on each other’s walls, but this is in regards to the beginning of the semester. Hermione is actually the name of my daughter’s snake. I am not daring enough to be that unique. When I chose names for my children, I always thought of the possible nick names they would be given(both good and bad). The funniest thing though is that neither child has ended up choosing a nick name or been “given” one, so to speak. Maybe that means I chose well.
Greg, Let me start off by saying that I think that this is a fantastic story to adapt for the storybook you have begun writing. I think that the story of Dharanedra and his wife is a really interesting one, fraught with potential for a storybook centered around disaster. The way that you adapted the source material to fit your theme was clever and rather insightful, given how people sometimes abuse privileges or gifts others give them. One suggestion I would make, however, is that you go through the story again to check for some key grammar rules. For instance, there are certain areas in the story where the verb tense changes from sentence to sentence. One other suggestion I would make is that you try to vary your sentence structure and descriptions some as it will help the piece flow more smoothly. This would involve adding a few different types of dependent clauses or some other such varying technique in order to give your writing some more variety. In any event, this was a fun story to read, and I very much enjoyed it. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteGreg, your introductions a very good map/directory for where you plan on taking your project. Its good to have a firm foundation and direction when starting something this big.
ReplyDeleteAs for the stories, at times I had trouble discerning between whether it was a summary of actual events, or a story you created. That is a good thing! I couldn't tell if this came from your head or if you were a writer for the history channel. I was refreshed to read these and have to contemplate whether this was history or story, so in that aspect you did awesome. The pictures you chose also helped immensely with that blurred line, which, again, I think is a breath of fresh air for stories. 'Historical Fiction' isn't something I read regularly, but in this manner I enjoyed it a lot.
Hey Greg!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I have to say that I was really excited to read the next addition to your storybook. I remember reading your introduction a couple weeks and thoroughly enjoyed it and this story is equally as great.
After reading the author's note, it was interesting to see your perspective when writing this story. I agree that making a large change to a story makes it very strong and I think that you did a good job of that in this story. One thing that I think would be interesting to see is more integration of dialogue. You do a great job of setting up the stage of the story and describing details but it would be interesting to see more of the characters converse with one another. However, overall, I think you did a great job at writing this story and I'm excited to read the next addition to your storybook!
Greg,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed what I read of your story. The introduction was very well thought out and included lots of details so I felt ready to know what to expect on the future parts of the story. I also was pretty impressed on how well you were able to explain the history of beliefs and how snakes are seen differently in this circumstance/belief system than they would be in many other situations. Especially because Christian viewed snakes as bad and not good. I think your story has lots of promise to turn out to be very good. I would suggest adding some more imagery to your story so your readers can see what is unfolding and not just read what is unfolding. I also think it might be cool to make the story more of your own in a sense. Allow your story to have some more creativity and imagination and allow the story to be more personalized. Other than that I enjoyed reading what you have written.
Hi Greg! I think your story about the Dharanendra was very well written. I do feel there could have been a bit more background information within the story. You could a mini flashback if you wanted. You could even add in a nightmare, or a dream Dharanendra has. My favorite part was how I could easily picture your story-taking place. I think a part of that was due to the dialogue. I think you did a great job writing this particular story. I was left wondering what happened after the prince became a monk. I wanted a little bit more insight on that area of your story. You could add in a mini paragraph explaining life as a monk for him. Other than that, I think your storybook is well portrayed, and easy to follow. Your introduction goes hand in hand with the story, and sets the stage for everything to come.
ReplyDeleteYou did a great job summarizing each of your stories. I really like how you picked such a unique topic to develop your story around. I think it's great that you decided to utilize dialogue in your storybook. I've noticed a few storybooks that were strictly narration. One thing that I would suggest for your first story would be to re-visit the introduction. I think that if the story possibly opened up with dialogue and then provided narration that it would keep the reader anxious to learn more. You did a great job explaining how the birth of Dharanendra and Padmavati came about; however, I think that the order could be slightly rearranged. Furthermore, in the second story, I noticed that you did without the dialogue. I think the dialogue would have made the story even more effective with your personification of sickness. Even the personification of "sickness" shows what a clever writer you are. Keep up the good work.
ReplyDeleteYou have by far one of the most unique topics! I liked that in your stories you show the good the Yakshas and Yakshinis to do, but also the potential bad. To, me that is what gives a story life, is when the characters aren't just good they have elements of bad. I really liked that you used dialogue throughout your story! It really helped it flow. One thing that I think could make the layout of your story flow better is switching around where you put the picture. Putting the picture at the top could make the page more appealing and would help set the story! In your story about the Twelve Heavenly Generals I think it would be cool if you gave more description or dialogue in the story about who they are. I know you introduce them in the intro, but this way if someone skips the introduction then they will still be caught up! Overall really great work! I am looking forward to coming back and reading more about the Yakshas and Yakshinis!
ReplyDeleteINTRODUCTION:
ReplyDeleteThe idea is intriguing: supernatural saviors who cannot save all the time, even in spite of how mighty they are or because of it? Lovely.
Background on these creatures is important, which you have taken care to incorporate into your intro to prepare the reader for what kind of story each Yaksha/Yakshini will play.
For what we get for Kubera and Dharanendra, Thotsakhirithon and the Twelve Generals do not get such a preface. Some foreshadowing on their conflict and maybe a little more specificity on Dharanendra's origin will make the set-up more compelling.
Something of a denouement to the introduction to tie everything together and lead us into the actual stories could also help with compelling set-up.
Overall, the creatures and stories about them you want to tell are fascinating. The story teasers themselves could use a little more fleshing out.
Nice work here.
DHARANENDRA:
It's a humorous picture to have a all-powerful being at the beck and call of a person who always chooses to get into trouble.
If I might be frank, if this storybook focuses on tragedy, then I recommend focusing on tragedy since the ending of this story ended up being a happy ending. Changing the ending might help for this story. The extent of how far you're willing to go, such as killing off Parshvantha, is entirely your call.
Paragraph 1, Sentence 5 is redundant since we already we establish the saving earlier. Maybe move Parshvanatha's name up?
Paragraph 6: "my wife and I, and I" Repetitive.
In fact, there's a lot of repetition of the characters' names when there really doesn't need to be. A good rule of thumb is to refer to a character by name when the subject focused on is unclear.
Overall, the initial plot has a nice idea and is consistent, but some reexamination of the writing and the ending will make this a tragedy to remember.
Keep at it, mate!
Hi Greg, I really enjoyed your storybook. I think it’s cool that you choose to focus in on the less happy or successful activities of the divines. It’s intriguing to me that the holy beings in Hindu culture are as subject to things we would consider human failings as the people are. Perhaps that’s why stories of the interactions in which gods and goddesses make mistakes or behave in ways that end with their punishment or shame are so engaging. It was really interesting to me that the tragic stories you found did not really involve death or severe suffering as much as they did shame and the learning of difficult lessons for proud people who tried to do things that were more than they could handle. I really loved reading your retellings of the stories ad hope that you continue to work on and improve your writing skills. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteGreg, good choice on the title of your storybook! It really intrigued me! I enjoyed how you set up your intro page giving background info and reviewing the upcoming stories. I like this approach because I sometimes find myself pretty confused while reading storybooks, so I rely on the author’s notes to clear up my questions.
ReplyDeleteI love the twist of the story of Dharanendra! I don’t feel like it usually ends so well with the bad person actually learning from their mistakes and changing into better people. I was really shocked when Dharanendra didn’t kill himself after he saw what happened to the prince when he wasn’t watching him, but I’m glad he didn’t!
That’s something I didn’t see coming, a war on Sickness! His true form was pretty shocking too! It would be cool if you could get a picture of Sickness to put in the story! Wow what a lesson in your last story! Absolutely loved it. Great job!